


The Wedding of Magic Brian

by MercuryHomophony



Series: Behold the Field in Which I store my Headcannons (TAZ) [3]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-01 13:15:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8625853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryHomophony/pseuds/MercuryHomophony
Summary: Taako just wanted to surprise his boyfriend...





	1. Chapter 1

Taako studied his setup one last time, looking over the resources he’d piled up, the spell he’d written in his tome of so many good habits of a successful elf, by him (never to be published, of course – he couldn’t risk other people knowing his advanced arcane knowledge). He had been prepping for weeks for this now, and he had to make sure everything was just right for it to work.

Things had been going well for him, which was great. He liked it when things were easy, not too stressful or crazy. Tres Horny Boys had fallen into a routine, under the watchful eye of the Director, training and prepping for whatever mission they would be sent on next. They had a good chunk of free time, as well – time that Taako spent split between furthering Angus’s magical studies, furthering his _own_ magical studies, and… Kravitz.

A goofy little smile fell over his lips at the thought of tall, dead and handsome. Things had been going especially well with Kravitz. Their dates were almost a regular thing these days, though they kept it on the down-low. Kravitz wasn’t sure how Magnus and Merle would respond, and as far as Taako was concerned, it wasn’t any of their business anyway.

He did like Kravitz _with_ his arms, though, so he didn’t say anything. He was almost certain Killian and Carey knew. They seemed to be at every date-related event they went to. Granted, there weren’t _many_ on the base, but you’d think that they would miss a few here or there. He wondered if maybe they should stop beating around the bush and ask if they’d like to do a double date. He’d hate to share Kravitz, but Carey and Killian were always good for a party night.

But, that was not the aim of tonight. No, he had something very special planned for tonight. And as he looked over his room, messy with squirreled away goods and mislaid stashes of spell components, cups of tea and spell tomes,

As he looked over his room, the setup that he’d put together for the evening, he had high hopes of surprising his boyfriend.

\--

“You want me to what?” Taako asked, almost squashing his vase (“Bowl night!” the instructor growled, but Taako just waved him off).

“Come visit the Astral Plane,” Kravitz repeated, looking as cool and collected as he ever did. “We meet up a lot here, so I thought it might be nice to offer a change of pace. And I think you really would like it – it’s beautiful. Very colorful.” He smirked, nudging Taako with his shoulder. “Much like yourself.”

“Flattery will get you a lot of places, my dude, but I’m not really sure about this whole ‘going into the afterlife with the grim reaper’ deal,” Taako replied. Before him, his vase straightened up, and he stuck his tongue out in concentration. “Like, not that I don’t trust you _here_ , but… wouldn’t going to the Astral Plane make me dead?”

“It would if you were dead, yes,” Kravitz admitted, “but you would just be visiting. If you went through the rift, alive and well, your soul would still be tethered to your body.”

Taako hummed.

“Granted, your soul would be… well, out of your body for the duration of your visit, but it’s not difficult to summon up a form.” He gestured to himself. “Like mine.”

“Yeah, I dunno… it just seems…” He slowed the pottery table, thinking. There wasn’t a great way to say “Sure, we’ve been dating for two months now, but I’m still not sure you’re not going to try and drag me to hell at any given moment.”

Kravitz was still waiting for an answer, but as the silence dragged on between them, he sighed. “You don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to, Taako,” he told him. “There are any number of reasons you wouldn’t want to go. I just thought I would make the offer, is all.”

“No, yeah, I mean, it’s a cool offer,” Taako hurried, his wit coming back to him. Sincerity was never his strong point, but witty comebacks he could do. He smirked at the reaper. “I’m just trying to think where “transcending into another plane of existence” falls under the number of dates scale.”

“Hmm…” Kravitz thought it over for a moment. “Well, I’d have to say it would be around the third date,” he finally said, a sly look on his face. Taako gave him a curious glance, stopping for a sip of wine.

“Why’s that, my dude?”

“Well, that’s the first time I remember making you transcend.”

Taako sputtered a laugh, trying to not spit out his wine. “You’re right,” he said finally, grabbing a napkin and cleaning himself up. “I _do_ recall a fair bit of transcending that evening.”

Kravitz laughed, and Taako’s heart fluttered a little at the sound (he hoped Kravitz couldn’t sense that, with his freaky Grim Reaper powers), and their date went back to more solid ground.

But Taako kept the idea in his head, mulling it over…

\--

See, this was his idea –

Taako didn’t like using other people’s magic. He spent a lot of time studying his spells, figuring out what arcane motions, thoughts, words and ingredients would come together to create the effects he wanted. Sure, most of the time you worked from older tomes to get the baseline, but any wizard worth his salt did some independent work, really fine-tuning the generic spell until it was attuned to their magic. That was the really tricky part of magic, and what made Taako so good at what he did – Taako never did anything that wasn’t a Taako original, and he hated the idea of using other people’s spells.

Using his _own_ spells, however... That was no issue.

He trusted Kravitz not to hurt him. It had taken a lot of soul searching and thinking, but in the end, it was true. Kravitz didn’t have a bounty on them anymore, and they were good with Istus (who was maybe sort-of dating Kravitz’s boss, the Raven Queen?), so there was no reason to worry about being in the Astral plane with him.

What he was more uncomfortable about was relying on Kravitz’s form of transportation. He’d seen it often enough, when meeting with Kravitz or saying goodbye at the end of a night (or in the morning). Kravitz seemed to be fine with it, moving easily between the fully incorporeal form on the astral plane to the more solid form he used around Taako, on the physical plane. That said, he was already incorporeal. Taako wasn’t exactly sure how walking through the rift would temporarily separate him from his body… but until he knew, you could bet he wasn’t going to try it.

So, he studied. He hit the library with an intensity he hadn’t summoned since working on Evard’s Black Tentacles, reading everything he could get his hands on about the astral plane, out-of-body magic, even a little bit of necromancy (only theory, of course! He wouldn’t want to _actually_ get a bounty put on his head, just figure out how to move between the physical and astral plane). He grabbed bits and pieces from here and there, wedged them together in this way and that, wrote and scribbled out line after line of potential spell work –

And now, looking over the elegant ritual circle on his bed, his work was ready.

Here was the plan: elves had the ability to bypass sleep in favor of deep meditation. Some magic-users could separate themselves out from their bodies and traverse other planes while remaining tethered to their bodies. There were safeguards developed to keep that tether strong, and there were specific spells that could be cast to move with ease from one plane to another. Some simple necromantic theory, and he had the resonance to move to the astral plane. Put all that together, and Taako had a spell that would allow him to travel safely to the Astral Realm under his own power, albeit briefly. Taako and Kravitz had a date tonight, and Taako had requested they meet up in his room. Kravitz would be planning to show up and find him here.

Taako was planning to surprise him at work.

And who knew? After he’d visited the Astral Plane by himself, maybe he’d be more comfortable traveling with Kravitz.

He climbed carefully onto his bed, planting himself in the middle of the circle and relaxing into a comfortable meditation pose. A flick of his wrist, and the circle around him lit up, the components fizzling as they were consumed to power the spell. He felt a tug in his chest that reminded him faintly of wanderlust, of the need to move, and then-

Sky.

He wanted to blink, just instinctively, at the sudden change, but he didn’t have eyelids… or eyes. Or any body to speak of, in fact. A quick perception check told him that he was now a glowing orb, floating a few feet above a swirling rainbow lake. A couple of similar orbs darted around him, lazily curious about his sudden appearance, and he examined them back, feeling their curiosity wane into acceptance before they flowed away.

He’d made it. He was on the Astral Plane!

“Well, one step down,” he murmured aloud, causing another ripple of confusion in the souls around him. “And…” Yep, there was a thin tether of golden light that trailed off him, disappearing into another plane a few feet away from him. “Excellent, good.” There was one last step, getting himself into the appropriate shape before finding Kravitz… which, he hadn’t really thought about how to accomplish that.

I mean, Taako knew he worked the ghost house, so that big, spooky shape on the otherwise gorgeous iridescent horizon was probably a good start.

He began to make his way over, meandering as he split his focus between avoiding collisions with other souls and forming a body. He managed a hand, an ear, a nose, before losing focus and slipping back into an orb.

“Hm, he makes this look so easy!” he sighed, coming to a stop to really focus on it. Concentration wasn’t his strong point, but neither was perception, so he didn’t see when the sky over the ghostly jailhouse darkened, or the small cloud of souls that spouted from one of the towers, or when one of them paused in its hasty escape, turning towards him and picking up speed.

And the last thing Taako knew was something colliding into him.


	2. "IT'S KLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But what is Klaarg doing these days?

There had been a lot of… adjustments in the last few years of Klaarg’s life.

First, of course, had been the Miller family’s wacky science, and the profound effect it had on his family. Namely, their “domestication” into hugbears.

The second had been his break from that domestication, and subsequent escape from the Lab.

The third had been figuring himself out after his first encounter with Tres Horny Bois, bouncing back and forth between hating the three of them for making a fool of him, and complete, utter adoration for Taako.

Fourth had been after the race, wrestling with _wanting_ to hate them, and actually starting to _like_ them, despite their shitty façade of friendship. They were… spunky. And even when he was raging mad, they were happy to see him… for some reason.

And now, here he was – readjusting to living with his family on a miniature satellite, sans the Miller family. Whatever organization Lucas had been working for had allowed them to stay, first as an oversight, then as a resource when they realized Klaarg’s sister had started taking a scientific interest in some of Lucas’s findings. NO-3113 had visited a few times, just to see how they were doing. Somehow, over the course of her visits, she had convinced her to join this mystery organization. They’d taken a trip off the satellite, and Christy had returned with clear, determined eyes and a silver bracer on her left arm. She couldn’t tell them a lot about it. The only real detail they got was that this organization was dedicated to protecting the planet. They were proud of her, and did their best not to think too hard about it when her voice broke into static.

“You know, you could join too,” she told him once, over cups of tea he’d brewed for them while she was taking a break. “The boys told people how you helped them out before. They’d be glad to have you.” She took a sip of tea. “I bet you’d get along with Killian like a house on fire.”

“Sounds fun,” he grunted into his own tea. “I’ll think about it.

It was a tempting offer. Life on the satellite lab wasn’t as fast-paced as what he’d become accustomed to, planet-side. A change of pace would be nice.

On the other hand, he wasn’t so sure about seeing Taako and his friends again. The last time they’d seen one another, at that wrestling gig, he’d admitted to everyone (and himself) that he saw them as friends, but… every interaction he’d had with them had been _heavily_ influenced by magic. Granted, from what his sister had been able to tell him, most of those situations had been high-stakes. They’d done what they could, given the circumstances. And the first time, it was because they wanted to work with him, not against him.

And he’d seen them fight often enough now to know he would have lost.

He still wasn’t sure how they’d treat him, outside of using his assistance (against his will) to save the world. Every time they’d met up, they’d taken advantage of him. He could hope that they wouldn’t do that if they were just hanging out together, but… he wasn’t sure.

It was something he spent an uncomfortable amount of time thinking about. There wasn’t much else for him to do up in the Lab.

As a matter of fact, he was thinking about it right now, idly clicking through camera feeds in the main security room. Now that there was no one but his family to butler for, he’d picked up a number of odd jobs around this place, security being one of them.

Not that there was much to be secure against, floating hundreds of miles above the surface of the planet. This wasn’t some gerblin cave in the middle of the woods. Sometimes, he amused himself by redesigning the base as a dungeon. Just on paper, though. He figured it would come in handy one day, if something ever did attack the-

He paused, ears perking up. Had there been something on that last camera…?

He flipped back, and his ears flattened, a growl rising involuntarily to his throat.

_Intruder._

The black and white screen showed him the robotics room, where a short cloaked figure was standing at the edge of the shadows. He might have missed it entirely, had it not been for the two bright glowing orbs at the center of the room, one pulsing in an odd pattern, the other hanging listlessly, duller than the first. The figure made some sort of gesture, pointing to different piles, facing the first orb.

Klaarg flipped to the next camera, in the next room, where his sister was tinkering away on something, and scowled before flipping back. The intruder had started sorting through the piles, the orb hanging over its shoulder, flickering now and again.

Whoever this intruder was, they were too close to Christy for comfort. It was too late to set up his defenses, either. This intruder was deep in the lab, probably through magical means. So, there was one clear option.

Klaarg grabbed his axe and darted to the door, punching a button on the wall next to it. The airlock hissed, and opened, but he waited.

After a few seconds, the room around him shook and bounced, the whole place vibrating as something approached the room. Then, the ceiling above the airlock opened, and a horrifically familiar face dropped from it.

“Well Hey Angry Dog!” Upsy chortled. “What Can Upsy Do For You Today?”

“There’s a break-in near Christy,” he growled. “I need a lift.” He immediately regretted his choice of words as the terrifying face rolled its eyes in a way that was hopefully meant to be comical, and winked, grinning.

“Well Sure Thing! Just Get Inside Me!” The face split down the middle, revealing a comfy and oddly sticky elevator interior.

Klaarg got in quickly, doing his best to stand in the middle and not touch _anything_.

“Well Hold On Tight!” the sentient elevator rumbled around him, before launching to one side. Practice alone kept him from falling over, and he gripped the handle of his axe a little tighter, gritting his teeth.

“ _Quietly_ ,” he spat. “I want to catch them by surprise.

“Well You Got It, Dog Buddy!” Upsy chirped, quieter this time. They dropped, suddenly, and Klaarg felt his weight lift just a little from the speed. “And… Here We Are!”

There was a tinny ‘ding!’ typical of any fantasy elevator, and then the doors slid open to reveal the far end of the scrap room, past the access pipes. Klaarg stepped out, dropping into a crouch. There was a brush of air as the doors shut behind him.

“I’ll Go Let Someone Else Know,” Upsy told him, voice barely below a whisper level. “If You Need Me, Just Press My Buttons!”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it.” God, he wished Lucas was still alive. He would strangle him to death for inventing Upsy’s personality.

“W-Well Okay Then! Here I Go!”

He chose to ignore the sudden vacuum of air as the sentient elevator vanished, crawling into some weird space and disappearing back into the station’s internal systems. Instead, he chose to focus on the figure at the far end of the room, who was grunting as he pulled through more of the pile of derelict robits, finally pulling out what looked like a slender arm, and holding it up.

“How about this one?” he asked. The active glowing orb floated closer.

“Oh, darling, that one is _perfect!_ ” the orb gushed, in a voice that sounded remarkably similar to Taako’s. Probably another elf, then. He snuck closer, keeping piles of robot parts between himself and the intruders to give his stealth rolls advantage. “That just about makes a whole body, yes?”

“Just about,” the stranger replied, crouching to carefully gather up several robot parts. “What about your friend, though?”

“Hmm… you know what, there _should_ be a toaster-like piece back in the tunnels. I think it belonged to Jenkins when we were here last, but if we pop a new fuse in it, it should work just fine!”

Klaarg froze, eyes darting back the way he came. The tunnels. If the intruder wanted to get to them…

He relaxed, microscopically, holding his action. If the intruder wanted to get to them, they’d have to pass him, first.

And he’d be ready to strike.

“Alright. But then we should get out of here, this place gives me the willies!”

“Oh, I know, my dear. You should have seen it covered in crystal, _much_ more stylish then!” Klaarg listened for footsteps, following them in his head as they grew closer. The cloaked figure laughed, a surprisingly jolly sound, considering they were breaking into an unknown floating lab, filled with robot corpses.

“I’m sure it was, love.” Klaarg hefted his axe and braced himself, ready to jump – but before he could, he was blinded as the glowing orb cleared his hiding spot first.

“It w- Darling, look out!”

With the element of surprise lost, Klaarg roared, charging around the pile of robot parts and swinging the axe down on the intruder. He leapt out of the way, but not quickly enough, and it glanced off his shoulder, tearing the cloak and revealing thick chainmail below. “Fuck!” he yelped, staggering to one side, hand coming up to protect the injured arm. Klaarg pressed his advantage and took another swing, this time sideways, aiming for the man’s torso. This time, he managed to avoid it. “You didn’t say anything about Bugbears!”

“I… didn’t think there would be Bugbears on a top-secret organization base!”

“Fair enough.” The cloaked figure pulled back his hood, revealing a tanned, ruddy looking halfling, and rubbed his hands together. “Alright, buddy, let’s do this.”

And then he started to sing.

Klaarg didn’t have any illusions about his mental saves – his Will and Intelligence saves weren’t great, and while his Charisma had improved somewhat over the last year, he was certainly not the best. But as the first few notes hung on the air between them, something _visceral_ dug into his gut, the song painting pictures in his mind, the worst scenarios, the worst fears he could think of – Lucas, returning to enslave them again – his family, slaughtered, lying in pools of their own blood – the boys, wounded and dying, and Taako –

Something in his brain sparked, and he found himself broken free from the illusion, a strange but familiar calm washing over his mind. He straightened, staring down at this strange bard, vision tinged with red.

And very, very angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... there will be a fair amount of headcanon in this, plus some nifty d&d things. Like, this mystery stranger. What class is he? We'll find out :3


	3. Just Boys Bein' Goofs

“ _Magnus_!”

Years of practice kept his hands steady, even as the voice broke his concentration. The half-carved jellyfish (a gift for Johan, and a meditative piece for himself) was carefully set aside, along with his knife. He grabbed his stone of Farspeech.

“Hello Director,” he replied, rolling his neck. “What’s up?”

“ _Please get Merle and Taako, and meet me in my office. Something has come up, and I need your assistance_.”

“Alright. I’ll get the Tres Horny Bois together.”

“…” her prolonged silence was palatable, before she broke it with a sigh. _“…alright, please do. I will see you shortly_.”

The stone went dark, and he got to his feet, stretching out the familiar cramps that accumulated from working in the same, familiar pose for so long. He put away his tools with care, stretched one last time, then made his way up the stairs.

Popping out of the pocket workshop was always a fun experience – _magic_ was usually a fun experience, especially when he got to use it. Knowing that he could fit into a space that folded up into his pocket was thrilling, and there was no better reminder than when he folded it up to travel with it.

The Director had said ‘assistance,’ which was usually code for a mission. He paused in his doorway, casting an eye around the room and wondering if he should bring anything. Eventually, he shrugged, reasoning that she would let them get ready after briefing them anyway.

“Merle!” he called, rapping on the door to the cleric’s room. The bluebells that hung over it shook at the vibrations, and he swore he could hear a faint ringing. “Director needs us!”

“Ah, I’ll be right out!”

Magnus heard some clattering and thumping from behind the door, and rolled his eyes. It might be a few minutes before Merle was ready, so he crossed the common space to Taako’s room and knocked. “Taako, Director’s calling us!”

No answer.

He frowned, knocking harder. “Taako?”

Nothing.

He was probably out, then. Magnus fished his stone of Farspeech from his pocket, tapping it to switch to Taako’s frequency. “Taako, it’s… Magnus…” he trailed off, hearing his voice echoing from Taako’s room. His frown deepened as he switched the stone off.

“Dude, not cool. Come on, Lucretia called.”

Then, surprisingly, there continued to be no sound from behind the door. If Taako had been there, and had been found out by the stone of Farspeech, there would have been… _some_ sort of reaction, Magnus was sure. He was too loud, too much of a personality to stay quiet for long.

He debated the pros and cons of going in, before sighing. “Taako, I’m coming in. Please don’t hit me with a scorching ray.” He waited for another few seconds, before taking a deep breath and pushing the door open. “Taako, I know you’re – what the fuck.”

Merle hopped up behind him, still pulling on a boot. “Hey, Mags, I’m ready to…” he trailed off, peering around Magnus through the door. “…what the fuck.”

“What the fuck,” Magnus agreed, staring at the third member of their party. Taako was sitting on the bed, in a surprisingly professional looking meditation pose. It wasn’t unusual to find Taako meditating at weird times during the day, but he wasn’t a particularly deep meditator…

Also, Magnus was fairly certain that Taako had never _glowed_ any other time he’d meditated.

Or, not Taako entirely. He was sitting, legs crossed, arms resting on his legs, pose lax and head hanging forward. But from his chest emitted a warm, golden glow, that extended in a coiling lead that ended about a foot in front of him. It sort of… floated, loosely, twisting and trailing through the air. It reminded Magnus of Taako’s rope trick spell, the one where it attached itself to something in another dimension. Except, you know, glowing. And coming out of Taako’s chest.

The two of them stared, and Magnus nudged Merle. “Merle, you’re the other magic person in the party, what’s going on?”

“I don’t have a clue,” Merle admitted. “Looks like some sort of spell, with the writing and the glowing and shit, but…”

“Do- do you think it would be, like, okay if I poked him? To wake him up?”

Merle shrugged, and Magnus decided, fuck, Magnus rushes in, and walked over to stand beside Taako’s bed. “Hey, Taako.” When the elf didn’t answer, he carefully laid a hand on his shoulder, giving him a little shake. “Taako, you okay?”

He let go, and for a second, it looked like Taako was moving. . . before pitching to the side in a graceless heap. The human rushed to catch him, looking up at Merle in a panic. “Shit, what do we do?”

Merle, the wise, steadfast dwarf he was, looked just as alarmed. “I dunno! Is he dead?”

Magnus put his fingers up to Taako’s neck, feeling for a pulse with bated breath. At first, he thought there wasn’t anything… but then he found the faint beat of Taako’s pulse, and let out a sigh. “He’s alive.”

“Phew, okay…” Magnus looked back at Merle, who stroked his beard thoughtfully. “Okay, it’s clearly a spell of some sort. So, I’m going to try and dispel it.”

That sounded fine to Magnus. He didn’t understand anything about this magic stuff, and with Taako out of commission, Merle would be the expert. “Go for it.”

“ _Taako? Taako, are you there?_ ” The two jumped as Taako’s stone of Far-speech came to life suddenly, lighting up around Taako’s neck. It wasn’t one Magnus knew, but it sounded… familiar. “ _Listen, I’m sorry to call you on such short notice, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it tonight. Something’s come up at work, and-_ “

“Kravitz!?” Merle exclaimed, and Magnus realized where he’d heard the voice before. Sure, he’d had a cockney accent at the time, but it was still the same voice.

The stone went dead for a second. Then there was an awkward cough. “ _Um. Hello, Merle. Is Taako there?_ ”

“Technically, yeah,” Magnus said. “Why do you have Taako’s number?”

“ _Ah, Magnus. Hello to you too. Could you hand the stone of Far-speech to Taako, please?_ ”

“Uh…” Magnus glanced over at the prone Taako. “Not exactly. He’s kind of incapacitated right now…” He paused. “But, we’re here, so don’t like… try and come claim a bounty or anything.”

“ _I don’t have a bounty on you three anymore. What do you mean by incapacitated?_ ”

“He’s like, unconscious on the floor. Why do you want to talk to him?” He thought back on what the reaper had been saying. “Why were you meeting up with him? I thought we didn’t have a bounty.”

“ _Okay, well, for starters, you did die ten more times. But no, you don’t have a bounty. Secondly, I feel like that’s something that is between myself and Taako, and not really your business? I think a better question is, why do you have Taako’s stone of Far-speech?_ ”

“Because he’s unconscious on the bed. And I’m pretty sure it’s my business if the Grim Reaper wants to talk with one of my boys.”

“Why does Taako have Kravitz’s number?” Merle echoed, still shocked.

“ _Unconscious? Is he okay?_ ” Even through the crackle of the Far-speech stone, the concern was unmistakable. “ _Did you three just return from a mission?_ ”

“No, no, we just found him this way.”

There was a pause, then a sigh. “ _Do you promise not to rip my arms off if I come through to the physical realm?_ ”

“Do you promise not to take our souls?”

“Or rip _our_ arms off? Again?” Merle added pointedly.

“… _point taken. Yes, I promise._ ”

“Swear?”

 _“I- yes. I swear, I’m not going to take your souls. I don’t have a_ bounty _on you three anymore, I don’t know how many times I have to say it. I just want to check on Taako.”_

Magnus looked over at Merle, who shrugged. “Maybe he knows something about this?” he suggested, pointing at the weird glowing trail from Taako’s chest.

“Maybe, but he crystalized your arm and tried to kill us.”

“Who hasn’t tried to kill us? Besides, I’m pretty over that.”

“Merle you blame me for it like, once a week.”

 _“Can I come through, or not?”_ the stone of Far-speech crackled, exasperation completely overwhelming concern at this point.

Merle raised an eyebrow at Magnus, who sighed. “Yeah, come on through. But don’t try anything.”

“I wouldn’t think of it,” Kravitz voice replied from behind them. The two Reclaimers spun around, just catching Kravitz smoothly stepping out of a rift that sealed itself up behind him. He was wearing his “handsome face,” as Taako had called it once, but it was gaunter than it had been last time they’d seen him. “Now, what’s wrong with Taako?”

“He won’t wake up and he’s glowing,” Merle said, with all the conviction of someone who thinks he’s a good cleric. “Also, he never meditates this early, it’s like 6pm. Moon time.”

“It is odd that he would meditate now,” Kravitz said, carefully stepping around the boys to get a look at Taako. Magnus shifted slightly, keeping near enough that he could impose disadvantage if Kravitz tried anything funny. “Especially since we were supposed to- “ He cut himself off, eyes widening as he saw Taako.  He didn’t say anything for a moment, then sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Dammit, Taako…”

The two mortals looked between him, and the unconscious elf, and back to the reaper. “So… I’m guessing you… know something?” Magnus hazarded.

“And it’s bad.”

“Um…” Kravitz shook his head. “So, there’s not really a pleasant answer to that…”

“Come on, Krav.”

He sighed again, and gestured to Taako. “His soul isn’t there,” he said, “and _that_ ,” he jabbed at the circle on the bed, “is some kind of necromancy, mixed with planar magic. I don’t know what he was trying to _do_ , or why he thought that messing with this would be a good idea… but the end result is that his soul is out of his body and somewhere else.”

Magnus and Merle just stared at him, and he ignored them in favor of looking over the runes on the bed.

“That’s… Bad,” Merle finally said.

“Very,” Kravitz replied, frowning at one of the runes in the circle. “That’s odd, this rune is for the Astral Plane… but if he’d been there…”

“ _BOYS._ ” They both jumped at the Director’s voice from Magnus’s stone of Far-speech. “ _As I said, this is a rather pressing matter. Are you on your way yet?_ ”

Magnus looked over at Kravitz, then back to Merle, who shrugged. “Uh, yeah, we’ll be there in just a moment,” he replied, before putting a hand over his stone of Far-speech. “Is it okay to like, move him?”

Kravitz gave him a confused look. “…yes? I mean, it looks like a ritual, which means that as long as the spell isn’t dispelled, it should be fine, but why woul- “

“Alright, cool,” Magnus interrupted, grabbing Taako and slinging him over one shoulder before turning to head out the door. Merle followed him, leaving Kravitz sputtering for a second before he started after them. Magnus held up his stone again. “What is this about, anyways?”

“ _It’s the Hugbears, from the Miller lab. Apparently, there’s been a security breach._ ” Magnus gasped, and behind them, Kravitz perked up, alert.

“No, not the Hugbears!”

“ _Don’t worry, they’re fine… Well, Christy’s brother, Daniel, took some damage, but they’ve patched him up. They’re both on the base now._ ”

Magnus and Merle shared a look. “I thought Klaarg wasn’t an official bureau member yet,” Magnus said.

“ _Well, that may change pretty soon. I’m hoping that Taako can talk to him about it. According to Christy, he handled himself very well – we could use more regulators like him._ ”

“I dunno if Taako’s gonna be much help, to be honest,” Merle said, shooting a glance over his shoulder at the limp wizard. Seeing Kravitz following them, he frowned. “What are you still doing here?”

“ _What was that?_ ”

“Nothing. We’ll see you in a minute!” Magnus tapped his stone off, turning to face the reaper, who pulled up short to avoid running into him. “Why are you still here? Didn’t you say you had somewhere to be?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You kind of did,” Merle piped up. “Right when you called? You told Taako you couldn’t make it?” The dwarf frowned again. “Which you still haven’t explained.”

“I don’t _have_ to explain that,” he said, exasperated. “Look, something came up on the Astral Plane. There was a breech, and a few souls got loose.”

Merle snorted. “Two in a year? Sounds like someone’s not very good at their job.”

Kravitz gave him a flat look, but didn’t dignify his statement with a response. “I was planning on going after them, but… Your boss mentioned a break-in at the Miller’s Lab, and Taako’s condition…” His eyes narrowed. “I doubt they’re coincidental.”

“So, what, you’re just going to join us to go talk to our boss?”

Kravitz pulled himself to his full height, which was still half a head shorter than Magnus. “That was the idea, yes.”

Magnus and Merle shared another glance. “Lucretia’s gonna have a hernia about this,” Merle said.

“She’ll have a hernia about it anyway if we’re much later,” Magnus replied. “Besides, he knows more about the Astral Plane and whatever’s going on with Taako than we do.”

“So he says,” Merle said, giving Kravitz a suspicious glare.

“I’m right here.”

“I know.”

Magnus shrugged, jostling Taako. “It’s better than nothing.” He turned to Kravitz. “No soul reaping, though, right?”

“For the _last time_ , I don’t have a bounty on you!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's that? Another chapter without the titular character, you say?  
> Well, no worries. He'll be in the next chapter quite a bit!
> 
> EDIT: Hi Guys! I have a plea for you! I am in desperate need of funds. If you like what I write, and would like to help me out, please check out the post below for more details. Thank you!  
> http://mercurial-writ.tumblr.com/post/159047597334/help-a-writer-out  
> Thank you guys so much for reading and commenting and supporting this~!


	4. Everyone Has Questions, No One Gets Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kravitz rolls a nat 20 on his persuasion roll to avoid telling everyone he's dating Taako. Taako does a little cooking and it's glossed over in one line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (there's a slight implication of spoilers past the suffering game, you've been warned)

They got some odd looks on their way across the quad – a folk hero carting the lifeless body of an elf wizard who had a magical glowing train of energy coming from his chest really didn’t fall under “usual” moonbase activity.

On the other hand, “usual” moonbase activity was an oxymoron anyways, so…

“Hey Lucretia!” Magnus called as they entered the pseudo-throne room, before gasping. “The Hugbears!”

At the end of the hall, three figures looked up at them; Lucretia, frowning in concern, Christy, whose eyebrows raised curious at the sight of them, and –

“What the devil is wrong with Taako?” Daniel “Klaarg” Hugbear asked, peering at the three of them. He was sitting, still almost matching Lucretia’s height, with a few bandages around his arms and torso. “Is he alright?” Then, after a beat: “I can carry him, if you’d like.”

“That’s the spell talking, Danny,” Christy muttered back, before turning to the three of them. “Hey guys, long time no see! What’s, uh… what’s up with the elf dude?”

“And who is this?” Lucretia added, glaring sternly at Kravitz. To his credit, he matched it. “You’re not a member of the Bureau, and I haven’t given anyone else clearance recently.” Magnus and Merle exchanged uncertain glances, but Kravitz stood tall.

“My name’s Kravitz,” he told her with a polite nod. “And you must be the Director. Taako’s told me about the work you do here.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly, and Merle cut in before she could start jumping to assumptions. “He’s Death,” he explained. “We met him back in Lucas’s lab, before that whole ghost fight thing. We helped him out and in return, he got rid of our bounties. Or something. I dunno.”

The Director frowned, confused. “Did you say he’s Death?”

“More specifically, I’m an emissary of the Raven Queen,” Kravitz said, and Lucretia’s eyes widened in understanding and a fair share of surprise. “But, yes. Death.”

“Alright… and you’re here because…?”

He gestured to the unconscious elf on Magnus’s shoulder. “I was supposed to meet with Taako today, but a breech in the Astral Plane delayed me. When I got here, I overheard there was a break-in at the Miller lab. Since the last souls to break out were drawn there, and since Taako appears to have temporarily misplaced his soul, I figured the situations might be related, and wished to investigate.”

Lucretia and the two bugbears stared at him blankly. “He… temporarily misplaced his _soul_ ,” Lucretia parroted slowly, as if she wasn’t quite sure that was what she heard. “Wh- how?”

He shrugged. “Taako’s a competent and capable wizard,” he said, ignoring the snorts from Magnus and Merle behind him. “It looks like he put together a few other spells in order to astral project, and ended up somewhere else.”  

The Director pursed her lips for a long moment, then sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Do I want to know _why_ he was trying to eject his soul from his body?”

“I have… a few guesses,” Kravitz said carefully, “but at this point, they’re mostly speculation, so I couldn’t say. I feel it’s rather more important to figure out where his soul is _now_ , so we can get it back into his body.”

“And why were you meeting with Taako?”

“He has been keeping me, and by extension the Raven Queen, abreast of some of the… mortal discrepancies occurring within your organization. Of which he has convinced my Queen of pardoning, and of which,” he added, narrowing his eyes thoughtfully at Lucretia, “there have been quite a few…”

“I see,” she said, a little hurriedly. “Well – I wish he’d let us know, but I suppose that’s alright.”

“Yeah, I wish he’d let _us_ know too,” Merle grumbled.

“Can we get to the part about _finding_ Taako and making sure he’s okay?” Klaarg rumbled, stepping over to Kravitz. “And, really, do you need me to hold him?”

Kravitz gave him an odd look. “I’m, er… fine. I don’t exactly get tired, so…”

“Oh.” Klaarg deflated a bit. “Well, if you change your mind…”

“…sure. You’re right, though, we should track him down, and quickly.” He turned to Christy. “So, what happened in the Miller Lab?”

 

\--

 

Taako’s first sensation, as he came to, was the distinct _lack_ of sensation. Normally, if you woke up from sleep with no idea where you where, or how you got there, or what was going on, there were sensations that accompanied that. Headaches from hangovers, bludgeoning damage not fully repaired by your shitty cleric, general aches and pains associated with unconsciousness… none of those greeted him as he became aware. He didn’t quite understand their absence at first, still groggy with… sleep? No, elves didn’t sleep… but the stupor he was coming out of wasn’t meditation, either. Had he been in a fight?

He tried to blink, and rub his eyes, hoping to maybe get a sense of what was going on. A piece of bread popped out of his side.

“Oh good, you’re awake!”

Recognition slammed into him, waking him up faster than any coffee and stretch. The past hour came back to him in a rush – he hadn’t been unconscious, only dazed. And that voice-

“ _Magic Brian?_ ” he asked, incredulous. He opened his eyes – or something equivalent, anyways, since nothing felt _quite_ right, and took in the room around him. It was plain, a stone-bricked room lit by magical torches set in the walls. It wasn’t very big – maybe the size of a large bathroom or dressing room, and he’d guess it was the latter, based on the vanity that sat in the corner, covered with… well, those didn’t look like cosmetics, but he certainly saw some brushes. A chair next to it was almost completely obscured by a pile of clothes that rivaled his own morning routine.

Standing in front of them was a tall, thin, humanoid robot, with a distinct and memorable spider design painted on its chest.

“I’m so glad, I was _so_ worried when you didn’t move at first, but my lovey told me that you were _just fine_ , so I told myself I wouldn’t stress about it, but of course how could I not be concerned? I must admit, I’m quite eager to catch up with you during the reception afterwards – what finally did you in, by the way, I’m dying to know - but _first_ , I need your advice!” Robo-Magic Brian (Magic Robo-Brian? No, Robo-Magic Brian) turned, plucking two long, low-cut gowns off the chair. “Which of these do you think _best_ suits? I know they’re not conventional wedding wear, but really, there’s nothing conventional about this particular ceremony, so-“

“Wh- hold on, wait a moment. What the hell is going on?”

“Oh! Oh, yes, I imagine you’d be confused.” Animatronic Magic Brian put the gowns down, walking over to where Taako was… sitting? Lying? He wasn’t quite sure yet – and got down to eye level with him, hands pressed together. “So, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you’re… dead.”

“Um… no. No I’m not.”

Mechanical Magic Brian shook his head sympathetically. “I know, I know it is hard to accept – I had a difficult time at first, too, but I assure you, it is not as bad as all that! And, as a bonus, we currently have a sort of escape route, but I’ll tell you more about that later. I understand you’ll need a moment to process-“

“No,” Taako cut in, trying to move again. He felt something wiggling at his side, and that was the best he got. “Like, I’m actually not dead. See, I was casting this spell, and –“

“Darling, you were in the Astral Plane, sans body. Pretty sure that means you are dead, yes?”

“Okay, I mean – yeah, I see how you’d get that idea, but I’m really, super not dead.”

RMB made a clicking sound, and shrugged. “Well, alright, if you _say_ so,” he said, and Taako would have bristled at the patronizing tone if he could do more than wiggle the two nubs on either side of his body. “But, while you deal with that little crisis –“ and he retrieved the two gowns again, holding them up,” which of these should I wear for my wedding, hmm?”

Taako eyed over the selection, thinking. The last thing he solidly recalled was being in the Astral Plane, though, now that he thought about it, there had been a bit of time between that he… sort of… vaguely remembered. He didn’t know what was wrong with his body – he didn’t feel _right_ , and he couldn’t move. But, Magic Brian hadn’t gone to attack him or anything, either, which was a plus. Maybe it would be best to just ride it out, until he could figure out exactly what was going on. Still, as he looked at the two gowns MB had chosen, he wished he could gag. “Ugh, neither. Look, those might have looked killer on your _real_ body, but like – they sure as hell aren’t going to go with the look you’re rocking now.”

Automaton-Magic Brian deflated a little at that. “Ah. I had been a bit concerned about that… You see, all I have are the things my fiancé managed to pick up from my rooms, and the Bureau was… fairly thorough in clearing them out.”

Oh right, he had worked for the BoB once, hadn’t he? “Well, it can’t be an entirely lost cause. Lemmie see what else you’re working with, we’ll go from there.”

He’d keep Robo-MB happy, and talking. And maybe, he’d figure out exactly what was going on around here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still slowly updating this... it's not gonna have any spoilers for, like, past Wonderland, aside from the little thing in this chap, since I started writing this way before...


	5. Invite Accepted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Director gets her details straight, Taako decides to take a chance.

“So let me see if I have this straight,” Madame Director said, rubbing her temples. “Kravitz, you were supposed to meet with Taako this evening to ‘discuss business,’ the details of which you’ve been extremely vague about. Prior to your meeting, there was an upset – “

“A breech,” he corrected.

She gave him a withering glance before continuing. “A _breech_ , in the Astral Plane, allowing for several souls to escape from your Eternal Stockade. Shortly afterwards, three intruders, a halfling and two souls, appeared in the Miller laboratory, where Klaarg intercepted them and chased them off, keeping them from taking more than two robotic soul-powered cores, and one full robotic body.”

“And a toaster,” Klaarg added with a growl. The Director nodded.

“And a toaster. Now, at some time during these events, Taako was engaging in some… ill-advised experimental magic, to project his soul to the Astral Plane. We don’t know exactly _why_ ,” and she gave Kravitz another pointed look that he elected to ignore, “but, as of now, his soul is _somewhere_. It’s well, or otherwise Taako’s body would be dead, but we have no way of knowing whether or not he’s currently in danger.” She folded her hands on the desk in front of her, fingers interlaced. “Am I correct in those facts?” Around the room, heads nodded. “Am I missing anything?” Most of them shook their heads, but one furry claw was raised into the air. “Yes, Klaarg?”

“When the intruders were talking, the one soul had an accent a lot like Taako’s. And, during the fight, before they ran off, I thought I heard the other one speak, too.”

“What did it say?”

“It sort of sounded like, “Hachi machi, what hit me?”” He shrugged. “That’s a very Taako thing to say, isn’t it?”

The Director pursed her lips thoughtfully, thinking.

“Wait, hold on – this first soul sounded _like_ Taako? And he knew about the lab?” Magnus cut in. “There’s only one dead person I can think of who matches that criteria!” He looked at Merle, who blinked owlishly back. “…c’mon, Merle. Weird, German-y accent? Kidnapped your cousin and came back as a robot to kill us with Wankins and Shark-face?”

“Are you talking about Magic Brian?” Kravitz asked, all eyes turning to him.

“How do you know about Magic Brian?” Madame Director returned.

“He was one of the souls who escaped that day, became part of Legion, and…” he lifted a hand, his book appearing before him, and flipped through the pages before finding the one he wanted. He looked over it, then back up. “And, he’s one of the handful that escaped today.”

Merle chortled. “Man, you’re like… _really_ bad at your job, huh?” What is this, twice in a year?”

“Once a year for two years,” Kravitz replied stiffly. And, every time, it always comes back to _your_ organization, 57-death-count Merle Highchurch.”

That shut Merle up, though the other bureau members standing there looked a little alarmed, save the Director.

Angus, especially, looked mortified. “Y-you’ve died _57_ _times_?”

Merle shrugged, careful to not look in Kravitz’s direction. “Eh, I guess. Who can keep track, am I right?”

“...Most people, actually,” Kristie said slowly, and Kravitz nodded in her direction.

“Yes, _thank_ you!”

“Getting back on topic,” Lucretia cut in,” if Magic Brian is the one who infiltrated the lab, there’s a good chance that other soul is indeed Taako.”

Angus nodded. “He does have the motives and the means… and apparently, an accomplice.” He turned to Klaarg. “Did the halfling say anything about the Bureau that you heard, or seem to understand everything Magic Brian was saying?”

Klaarg looked down at him, confused. “Honestly, you all keep talking about this person, but all I’m hearing is static...” He looked over at Kristie. “Is this one of those, things, you keep talking about…?”

She sighed. “It is. He’s trying to ask if it seemed like the halfling understood everything the soul was saying, even the static.”

“Ah. Yeah, it sounded like they were on the same page.”

“So, whoever this person is, they’re inoculated too?”

“Or somehow immune to the Voidfish’s power,” Angus mused. “Mr. Kravitz, the dead aren’t affected by the Voidfish, right?”

“That’s correct. And, just Kravitz is fine.”

“Okay Sir.” Angus looked over at Lucretia. “If this person is some sort of undead, he might not be privy to the same rules as – Ma’am?”

The Director had gone somewhat pale, her lips drawn into a tight, thin line. “Hm? Oh, I’m sorry, Angus, I’m listening.”

“Is everything okay?”

She cleared her throat. “Fine. I’m concerned, however, at how much of a safety breech this could be – if any undead can remember what the Voidfish has obfuscated, then that poses a huge risk to our organization, even after we get Taako back. But, I’ll have to look into that later. What we need to figure out right now is, what Magic Brian wants, how we can find them, and how we can get Taako back in his body.”

“Which we need to do _quickly_ ,” Kravitz added. “I’m sure I don’t need to be the one to tell you that having your soul outside your body for long enough can have some…” he paused, for dramatic effect, “ _nasty_ side effects.”

“Like what?”

“…. like nausea, vomiting, an erection lasting longer than four hours – like _death,_ Highchurch, what did you think?”

“Well excuuuse me, but you _did_ just say all those other things, so- “

“Pardon me, can we get back to the part where Taako could _die_ if we don’t hurry?” Klaarg interrupted. “Because I would be quite distraught if my dear friend Taako were to die while we were standing here arguing.” He paused. “Also, let’s not talk about things like that in front of a child?”

“Oh, it’s okay, Mr. Bugbear. I’ve heard worse.”

“I am sorry to hear that.” Merle and Kravitz both fell into a sheepish silence, although they shot one another a glare for good measure, and Klaarg continued. “So, how do we find them? Can we use that… glowy thing?” He gestured to the trail of glowing gold luminous energy drifting from Taako’s chest.

“We could,” Kravitz said, slowly, “but, I don’t know the full extent of the spell. It could damage or break the connection Taako has with his body. However, if Magic Brian – sorry, Klaarg,” he added when the bugbear winced. “If the person we’re after really does have Taako’s soul, I can track him and if we find him, we find Taako.

Merle threw up his hands. “Well, why didn’t you say that ten minutes ago?”

“I didn’t know Magic Brian was involved!”

Kristy raised one claw. “Is- is his name _really_ Magic Brian?”

“It’s a nickname that helped distinguish him from his 8-footed friend,” the Director told her. Magnus turned to stare at her, eyes wide.

“Are you telling me, he could have a giant, Volkswagen-sized _spider_ , on the _moon_ , and I’m not allowed to have _one dog?”_

“Spiders don’t fall off of things,” she said simply. “And, to be honest, we probably wouldn’t have minded so much if it did.”

“Okay, that’s – wait. Where did it stay?”

The Director avoided his eye. “Why do you ask?”

“Director… where did the giant spider live…?”

She avoided his gaze for a moment longer before glancing aside. “…the Reclaimers Suite,” she muttered, almost too quietly to hear, before clearing her throat. “But, we did an awful lot of work during renovations to- “

“Nope, uh-uh. I no longer live there. Klaarg, buddy, can I come live with you?”

“Of course!” Klaarg said accommodatingly, at the same time as his sister said “Absolutely not.” They glanced at each other, and Kristy looked at Magnus. “Look, Mr. Burnsides, it’s not that you’re not a… ‘good person,’ but I think it’s best if you don’t live with us.”

Klaarg opened his mouth to interject, then froze, twitched, and growled. “Actually, yeah, Kristie’s right. Sorry, Magnus.”

“Are we really having this conversation while Taako’s soul is in the hands of a spider wizard and, potentially, _dying_?” Kravitz said, incredulous. The Director sighed, rubbing her temple again.

“Welcome to dealing with the Reclaimers, Mr. Kravitz.”

 --

“Well, the good news is, that gown is dope.”

“And the bad news?”

“It is in desperate need of some swag to go with it.”

Magic Brian made a clicking sound, examining himself in the mirror. “I think you are right, it’s very shapely, but it’s missing that… flair.”

“Flair, swag, whatever, it’s missing.” How long had they been looking at outfits, Taako wondered? There wasn’t a clock or anything around…. Maybe about half an hour? He could only stall for so much longer, especially if MB actually found an outfit he liked.

“Hmm…” the robotic wizard disappeared from Taako’s view for a moment. “Let me see, I think my fiancée brought something… ah!” He reappeared, standing much closer, holding an open box up for Taako to inspect. “I think we may find something in here that might help, yes?”

Ohh, Taako wished he had hands. There was some beautiful junk jewelry in that box. “Yeah, I think we can make do with some of this,” he said instead, feigning disinterest. If MB noticed his lack of enthusiasm, he didn’t comment, simply hummed happily as he moved back to the mirror and began sorting through the box.

“Hmm, there are some things here we could put on you as well! I know you’re not…” he trailed off, glancing back over at Taako and frowning with his robotic face. “I’m sorry we were not able to grab you a proper body. I had hoped we would, but unfortunately, we had to make do. Still!” he turned away again, lifting up a piece to inspect it. “Being here in a robot body is better than being in the Eternal Stockade, is it not?”

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been.” Taako tried to move again, and the stub on his side wiggled. Over the last however long it had been, he’d been able to confirm his fears – he was, in fact, stuck in a toaster. Annoyingly enough, he suspected it was the same toaster _Jenkins_ had been in when they’d fought him, based on the scorch marks he could see on himself. Ugh. “Say, I have a question.”

“Yes?”

“What exactly is the occasion? You’re clearly going all out to doll up, what’s uh… what’s happening?”

Robot Magic Brian locked up, turning his head sharply. “I.... did not say?”

“Um… No.”

“Oh! I am terribly sorry, that was very rude – well, you see, I’m getting married today!”

. . . Huh.

“My fiancée was getting things prepared before Mrs. Maureen Miller started her little jailbreak with Legion,” MB went on. “He was supposed to get me out then – I tried to invite you, remember – but there was the whole issue of Legion, and then that Mr. Grim Reaper, and with all that, he didn’t have a chance to pick me up. He had to wait quite a while before he could take another shot at breaking me free, but it will be worth it.”

“Yeah, a long while indeed,” Taako murmured, thinking. If there had been a jail break, Kravitz would be on the job, and while Magic Brian was certainly not the most malicious of souls, he’d certainly be on the reaping list… so really, Taako just had to not die until Kravitz got there. Easy.

Although… an upsetting thought occurred to him.

“What about the other souls?”

“What about them?” MB asked, trying to attach a pair of earrings to the side of his robotic head.

“Well… did your fiancé break them out too?” Actually, another good question. “And who is your fiancé anyways?”

“Oh, he’s _wonderful_ ,” Brian said, making Taako immediately wish he hadn’t asked. “He’s a bard, with a wonderful voice, a great sense of humor, and – “

“Wait. A bard, raising the dead?”

“He’s got very specialized skills.”

“Alright, okay… and the other souls?”

MB sniffed, which sounded tinny and strange. “Again, what about them?”

“Well, you all seemed pretty chummy last time we all met…”

“Friends of circumstance,” Brian announced airily, though Taako noted an undercurrent of hurt below it. “Marvey was too focused on revenge for something he could have avoided, and no sense of style. Jenkins has pretty good taste, though…” He pulled a bow-tie out of the box, looking over it critically before holding it up to his neck. “He told me some very interesting things about color coordination, very helpful advice.”

“Wait, did you _invite_ Jenkins?” Taako asked, suddenly nervous. Not because he was scared of someone like _Jenkins_ , of course, he could take Jenkins easy any day…

Just, maybe not on a day when he had no arms. Or legs. Or spells, apparently.

“Oh, no, no,” Magic Brian assured him, straightening the bow-tie in the mirror. “He gave me this advice _before_ the whole Legion thing. I would have invited him, but after that, he said some very nasty things to me before we parted ways.” He sniffed, an odd sound, given he had no actual nose. “So, he was not invited to the wedding.”

Taako wished he had a face and arms, so he could put his head in his hands. “He said something nasty.”

“Oh yes, very very not nice at _all_.”

“MB, I’ve literally killed you. Twice.”

“Yes, I know.” The buzzing line that made up Brian’s mouth twisted oddly. “It was very impressive. You’ve come a long way since you... well. Killed me the first time.”

“I feel like _killing_ you is more of, like, a thing than saying something _mean_. Which I also do, all the time.”

“Well, look at it this way, then. When you and I met, I had just found the room where the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet was. I don’t mean to brag, but I was a pretty decent Seeker at the Bureau of Balance… comes with being able to talk to spiders, you see. They never would have found the Gauntlet without me, but....” He sighed. “Thrall is a terrible, terrible thing, Taako.”

If he’d had lips, Taako would have frowned. “Thrall? Like, from the Grand Relic?”

“Yes, of course. I had found it, sent the information back to the Bureau, but… when I went to look for it, to scope out the cave, I could… I could _hear_ it, whispering on the other side of the vault door…” He trailed off, staring through his reflection. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet, sad. “That kind of power, is a terrible, terrible thing.”

Well, fuck. Taako didn’t do sad, and he especially didn’t do sad for people he’d already killed, on purpose, because _they_ were the ones trying to kill _him_. And he definitely wasn’t thinking about someone else who’d been under thrall and died... sort of.

“I must admit,” Magic Brian continued, “I wasn’t expecting it to be quite so… alluring. And looking back, there is quite a bit I think I would not have done, had it not been for the Gauntlet. Kidnapped your friend’s cousin, for instance.”

“Yeah, I can see how that might be a step out of character for you…”

“On the other hand,” he mused, “if I had not found the Gauntlet, then I would _not_ have kidnapped Gundren, you would never have found the Bureau of Balance, or any of the other Grand Relics. And from what I have seen and heard, you have made very good headway on them, yes? A real hero.”

Taako scrutinized him, suspicious, but there wasn’t an ounce of sarcasm in the other elf. “The people in Phandalin probably wouldn’t agree with you,” he pointed out. “Their town got glassed, remember? Real hero work.”

“Their town was also the last in an extensive list of towns to get glassed,” MB pointed out firmly, turning towards him. “I had to do a lot of research, tracking that gauntlet down. The fact that you stopped it after only one person could use it – no, the fact that you stopped it even though someone _was_ using it, is pretty impressive.”

Taako… didn’t have an answer he felt comfortable sharing for that, settling quietly in the core of his toaster body.

MB watched him a moment longer, expression inscrutable, before turning back to the mirror and his quest to find the perfect baubles. “I got a little side tracked, there. What I wanted to say was – I wasn’t quite myself when we first met, but you and your friends still seemed like charming people. If circumstances had been different, maybe we would have become friends then. And –“ he shrugged, “death is not the worst thing that has happened to me. If anything, it freed me from the relic’s thrall, _and_ put me in a place to meet my fiancé, so – all in all, not a bad bag.”

“MB, are you always this relentlessly optimistic?”

Brian looked back over at him, and even without a proper face, Taako could imagine the goofy, sincere smile. “I try.”

They lapsed into quiet again, Magic Brian pulling out a few pieces from the swag-box and lining them up on the vanity. Taako had the distinct sensation that he was waiting for something, and the equally uncomfortable thought that a peace branch of some sort had been held in his direction. Taako didn’t exactly trust easy, but there was trusting someone with your life, and then there was looking at a person and seeing that they didn’t have the capability for harm in their body. Magic Brian sat on the line – he had the precedent for being a nasty foe in the past, but if he’d wanted to off him, he would have. And, upon seeing him dead in the Astral Plane, the first thing he’d assumed is that he’d want in on a jailbreak, which, if he hadn’t been dating the Grim Reaper, would have been a good assumption.

Eh, to heck with it.

“So, this wedding,” Taako drawled, and MB perked up in attention. “Is that invite still open?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 11.19 I was missing a paragraph about Jenkins there in the middle, I can't believe I've done this. its fixed tho.


	6. Wait... you. I remember you... In the Mountain.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew gets underground. Taako offers fashion advice. The cast of OCs slowly increases.

“So, using the tracking information for the Miller robots, and combining that with where Kravitz traced some of the wayward souls, we’ve pinpointed where Magic Brian and Taako may be,” Angus said, sliding his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “The good news is, we have a solid location. The bad news is – it’s part of the Underdark. And getting you there by cannon will be… er, difficult. Being underground.”

“There are a few above-ground entrances we can use,” the Director added, “but none of them will be nearly close enough, and it may take a few days to get there. Not to mention, the Underdark is extremely dangerous in some places.”

“Is that going to be fast enough?” Merle asked, looking over at Kravitz.

Kravitz was staring at the map Angus had been gesturing to, not really paying full attention to the discussion. “Hmm? Oh, that won’t be an issue,” he said idly, turning to Klaarg. “Would you mind holding him for a minute?”

Klaarg lit up, opening his arms. “Of course not!” Carefully, he took Taako’s limp body from Kravitz, cradling him tightly to his chest. Magnus and Merle gave him a nervous glance, then shared a look.

“If he moves for a suplex, we dive in?”

“Yeah.”

Klaarg’s ear flicked in their direction. “Oh, there’s no need for concern, I’ve gotten that all out of my system,” Klaarg assured them.

Magnus and Merle did not look assured.

Kravitz, on the other hand, had ignored this exchange entirely. He reached into thin air, pulling his scythe from the ӕther with a flourish.

Kristy whistled, and he nodded. “ _Thank_ you,” he said pointedly, before arcing his scythe back, bringing it down to tear through the fabric of space-time to connect him to Taako’s location.

… or, that’s what it should have done.

There was a beat of silence, then Angus coughed. “Was that… supposed to do something?”

Kravitz blinked, puzzled. He lifted his scythe, aimed his destination differently, and tried again. And again. And a fourth time. Behind him, Merle snorted.

“It’s okay, buddy, performance anxiety hits everyone once in a while.”

“Merle,” Kravitz said, gritting his teeth, “I can still reinstate that bounty of yours, if you want to keep talking.”

“What exactly are you trying to do, sir?” Angus asked, carefully redirecting Kravitz’s frustration back to the actual problem at hand.

“My scythe has powerful transportation magic on it; it allows me to travel freely through the planes. I _thought_ it could get me to Taako, but… there seems to be something blocking my magic.”

“The Underdark has a natural deterring effect to teleportation magic,” Kristie started, but Kravitz cut her off with a shake of his head.

“I’ve hunted necromancers in the Underdark before, and I’ve never seen this happen.”

Angus puzzled it over. “Could… could our mystery accomplice have some kind of magic that might deflect your own, sir?”

Kravitz shook his head again. “No, absolutely not.”

“…that sounds more like you telling yourself that, sir.”

Kravitz looked frustrated, but schooled his expression for Angus. “It is _feasibly possible_ ,” he said deliberately, “that someone who was _extremely_ powerful could negate the powers granted to me by the Goddess of Death, the Raven Queen, herself, yes, technically. It is not _likely_ , though.”

“Well, when all other options are ruled out, whatever’s left, regardless of how likely, may be the truth, sir.”

The Grim Reaper blinked down at this precocious child, a little taken aback. “…I can see why Taako says he likes you,” he said slowly. Angus brightened instantly, eyes shining.

“He said that?”

“Not in so many words,” Kravitz amended, thinking back to the conversation (“Oh, there’s this kid, too, right? Nosy little shit, too smart for his own good, but he kind of reminds me of me when I was that age, and I guess he isn’t half bad at magic or whatever…”), “but, yes.”

“Well we need to get him back so we can rub that in his face,” Merle laughed. “So how do we get to the Underdark?”

Angus sobered up again, thinking. After a moment, he looked back up at Kravitz. “Sir, do your rifts get more powerful the closer you are to a target?”

“…marginally. Why do you ask?”

“Well, right now, we’re on the moon, which is pretty far away. Maybe that, combined with the Underdark’s natural shielding and this mystery player, is why you can’t teleport in.”

Kristy turned to Angus, one furry brow arched. “Sounds like you may have an idea, Angus?”

All eyes in the room turned towards him, and he hesitated for a moment – he _was_ still just a little boy, even if he was the world-and-moon’s greatest detective, and he wasn’t 100% sure about this idea, but – he straightened up. “Well, I _think_ we can get close enough to where Mr. Taako is for Kravitz to get the rest of the way, if we combine strategies. But, it’s going to be a little… tricky…”

 

\--

 

“This is a terrible idea,” Kravitz said, holding tight with one hand the straps that held him and Taako in his seat, and tighter to his scythe with the other. “Like, objectively, this is a bad idea.”

“But would you say that to Angus?” Magnus challenged, and Kravitz grumbled quietly to himself. _Damn_ how charming and precocious that detective was.

“You know I can’t die, right? Or, rather, I’m already dead,” he returned. “If this goes wrong, I’m actually on a net gain.”

“Relaaax,” Merle said, reaching over to pat his leg, which he stiffly pulled out of arm’s reach. “These things are _super_ safe – we took one through a giant magic bubble once, punching through part of a mountain using Reaper Magic is gonna be a cinch!”

“Merle, for starters – I’m amazed you have survived as long as you have if being shot out of a cannon from the moon to magically punch through mountains into a set of caves at high velocity is your idea of “safe,” and _you’ve died 57 times_.” He paused, thinking. “…68 times, actually, if you count Refuge.”

“Wait, we actually _died_ there?”

“Secondly,” Kravitz said, pointedly ignoring Magnus’s exclamation behind him, “even if you have faith in your method of transportation in a usual instance, we’re basically throwing everything to the wind hoping that whatever magic keeping me from teleporting in will somehow just go away as we get closer, with pretty much no backup plan but “try not to crash,” which is just plain suicidal.”

“Why did you agree to go if you think it’s so dangerous, then?” Klaarg asked from the backseat. He’d asked to join the rescue mission, citing that he’d be useful in a fight, and he knew the most about MB’s accomplice.

Kravitz’s grip on Taako’s body tightened. “Because someone needs to get Taako out of this death-marble if this plan doesn’t work. You all made your decision to get on board – he’s stuck with it.”

“To be fair, he did try to jettison his soul into the Astral Plane earlier,” Klaarg replied.

“With an anchor to his body,” Kravitz clarified. “Which hopefully we can keep alive until –“

“Count of three to blast-off!” an intercom cut in above them, Avi’s voice crackling through it. “Good luck, guys!” Kravitz sunk down in his seat.

“Oh boy…”

“Three!” Avi continued, cheerfully unaware of Kravitz’s nerves. “Two! And –“

The moon-cannon fired, sending Kravitz, Merle, Magnus, Klaarg, and Taako’s unconscious body hurtling full speed towards the mountain caves leading to the Underdark.

 

\-- 

 

Brian, now properly dressed and decked out, set about the arduous task of figuring out how to put make-up on a robot. At Taako’s request, he had moved the elf’s robotic body to the vanity, first so that he could get a look at his new body (he was _not_ , as he had briefly feared, in the same body Jenkins had inhabited. He _was_ , however, a modified, glorified toaster) and then secondly, so that he could advise on the makeup situation without Brian having to turn back and away from the mirror.

It was a more daunting task than they’d realized.

“There’s just nothing that goes with my complexion!” Brian bemoaned. Taako didn’t answer. “Everything I own is made for blues and blacks and silver, not bronze and steel!”

“Yeah, it’s a pretty bad sich,” Taako said, distracted. MB folded his arms on the table, resting his head atop them with a _clunk_.

“What do I do?”

“Can I borrow your arm?”

MB couldn’t blink, thanks to being a robot with no eyelids, but the beat in their conversation covered it well enough. “Excuse me?”

“I have an idea… actually, two ideas if the first one doesn’t work, but they’re spells, and I need somatic components to do it. Unfortunately…” He popped his toaster handles up in a helpless shrug.

“You’ve been disarmed…” MB tapped where his lips would be with a contemplative finger. Taako tried to not wince at the unintended pun. “Um… hold on, I have to go check to see what we got from the Miller laboratory. I know we had to grab and dash at the end, but maybe Banair grabbed something?”

“Banair?” That sounded like some kind of fantasy air freshener, or a cheap airline. Or a name chosen from the air for a character sheet. “Sounds halfling-esque.”

“My fiancé,” MB beamed.

“How did you two- actually, hold that thought, check on the arm situation, _then_ you can explain how you hooked up with a halfling necro-bard in the afterlife!”

 

\--

 

Merle was laughing hysterically. Magnus, thankfully, was more sympathetic than amused, and Klaarg…

Well, Kravitz didn’t know the bugbear well enough to read him just yet. He was certainly interesting – his soul was turbulent at the center, but knew what it wanted, while that was incased in a cool, controlled layer that was too acquiescing to express its own desires.

He didn’t run into many bugbears in his line of work (bugbears didn’t exactly tend towards the long, hard hours of necromancy), but he suspected that wasn’t normal. Klaarg appeared to be an anomaly. Just like every person, apparently, who joined the BoB.

Just like the dwarf sitting next to him, who was now just _wheezing_ with laughter, like he might drop dead from it.

Kravitz privately and pettily hoped he would.

“You alright, Kravitz?” Magnus asked, clambering out of the sphere and offering him a hand. Gingerly, he unbelted himself, dismissed his scythe and got a better hold on Taako before accepting his help.

“That was _awful_ ,” he said emphatically. God, did Taako do this every mission? Every time he was off _base?_

“You start to get used to it,” Magnus said, shooting Merle a dirty look. “Dude, come on.”

Merle’s wheezing had died a little, and to Kravitz’s annoyance, that meant he could talk again. “Oh my _Pan_ did y- hehehehh – did you _hea- hahahahaha!_ Hear him?” He made a few half-aborted squeals, each cut off by a peal of renewed laughter as he tried to imitate the reaper. Kravitz glared back flatly, unamused.

“68 deaths, Merle.”

Merle laughed, wiping tears from his eyes. “Man, I don’t even care – you said you’d canceled those, and there is _no way_ you’re intimidating me after that.”

_“That”_ had been the period of time between them being fired out of a canon, and them landing in a set of caves – the idea had been, if they could get within the radius of whatever spell was keeping Kravitz from tearing a rift there, he might be able to travel between spaces within that sphere. And, traveling high velocity through one of his portals would hypothetically allow them to punch thru the brittle cave systems at the roof of the Underdark, where they could pull the parachute and float safely down.

And, should Kravitz’s scythe still be unable to carve a path through the plane, they could just pull the parachute before they hit the mountain to touch down and navigate the cave systems into the Underdark instead.

It was ‘safe’ in the way that a calm bull walking into a ceramics and wine bar was ‘safe’ – certainly nothing was going wrong _immediately,_ but everyone knew something was going to happen eventually.

When they’d first been shot out of the canon, Kravitz was embarrassed to admit he’d not been as… _prepared_ as he’d liked. Accelerating from 0 to 100 fantasy miles per hour was not something that came up a lot in his Reaper work, and so he was… startled.

“That _scream_ ,” Merle gasped again, clapping his knee. “I’m never gonna forget that.”

“We get it,” Kravitz said. Gods above, Merle was insufferable. “Can we get back to saving Taako’s immortal soul now?”

“Man, I’ve been trying to do that for ages.” Kravitz blinked in confusion, and Merle chuckled. “Y’know, like – like evangelism? Pan-tracks?” Kravitz just stared blankly, and Merle waved it off. “Eh, think on it, you’ll get it later.”

“Where the hell are we?” Klaarg growled, climbing out of the back of the sphere. Kravitz was feeling better about Klaarg every time he opened his mouth. The bugbear hadn’t fared much better than him on his first trip – he’d _roared_ when they’d blasted off, then stopped abruptly – but as he walked over, his fur bristled with nerves. At least Kravitz wasn’t alone in dealing with Merle and Magnus and their shenanigans.

“Good question, Klaarg!” Kravitz took it back – Just Merle’s shenanigans. Magnus had been alright so far, except for the “don’t drag us to hell” gag, which… he kind of deserved, now, after threatening Merle three times with it. The human surveyed the area, before looking up at the gaping craggy hole they’d blasted through the vaulted ceiling of the cavern. “Good news, we’re underground.”

…Kravitz took it back again. Merle and Magnus, and shenanigans.

“The bad news,” Magnus continued, unaware of Kravitz’s internal monologue, “is I’m not sure if we’re like, in a _regular_ cave, or the Underdark.”

“My scythe should have taken us to the Underdark, as close to Taako as we can get without interference.”

“Interference like magic?” Magnus asked.

“In part, yes, but also whether there was room for the sphere, were there any immediate dangers, etc.”

“So, I actually can’t see anything,” Magnus said. “Like, I’ve got the lights from the sphere’s interior, but…”

Kravitz sighed, preparing to summon light… then blinked in surprise as several motes of light materialized around Magnus, floating in idle patterns. Magnus made a delighted sound, immediately trying to poke at them. Kravitz looked over at Klaarg and Merle, eyebrow raised.

“Don’t look at me,” Merle said. “I don’t know dancing lights.” Klaarg, too, just shrugged.

“Oh, hello little elf child!”

Kravitz turned back towards Magnus, who’d run towards the far end of the cavern, and was now crouched in front of a small drow child, so young that she hadn’t even grown into her ears yet, who was staring up at the mountainous human, wide-eyed.

“…” She didn’t reply, and Kravitz, Klaarg and Merle made their way over to her. Kravitz stood back a bit with Taako, not wanting to crowd her, but Merle walked right up. He was only a little taller than she was.

“Hey kid!” he greeted. “How ya doin?”

Her eyes glanced between the four of them (five, counting Taako, and her eyes lingered on his form a little longer than the rest) before coming back to Merle. She didn’t look scared, rather just didn’t seem to know what to make of them. Kravitz understood the feeling. “…hi,” she said in a small voice.

“Hey, we’re a little lost,” Magnus continued. Her attention snapped back to him. “Can you tell us, are we in the Underdark?”

She looked over them again, realization dawning on her face, and slowly nodded.

“Great! Great,” Magnus grinned. “Now, have you seen anyone come through here today?”

“Like a halfling, or a robot, or two glowing balls of light?” Klaarg added in a low rumble.

She cocked her head, thinking for a moment… then looked down at the ground and shook her head. “Nothing like that.”

“Have you seen anyone, then… I’m sorry, what’s your name?” Kravitz asked. Magnus smacked his forehead.

“Damnit, I _knew_ I forgot something!”

“…Lia,” the drow girl answered. “I saw a big furry man, like him,” and she pointed at Klaarg, “but with a muzzle, and wearing a big golden belt. He was walking with a half-elf.”

Well, that was something. “Did they say anything?” Kravitz asked.

She shrugged. “They were talking about a ritual, and someone named Brian? But I didn’t hear the details.” She peered up at Taako’s body again. “Are you four doing a ritual, too?” She sounded… hesitant.

“What? Oh. Oh, no, our – my – we’re trying to avoid rituals. He’s just… unconscious,” Kravitz said lamely.

She looked at Taako, still with the glowing lead to his soul floating from his chest, then gave Kravitz a flat “what do you take me for,” look, before shrugging. “Well, if you wanna find them,” she pointed, and the dancing lights around Magnus floated over when she did, illuminating a shaft out of the cavern, “they went that way.”

“I cast _Zone of-!_ ”

Magnus kicked Merle before the dwarf could finish the spell. “Merle, stop _announcing_ that!” Kravitz sighed, and Lia blinked up owlishly at them.

“Thank you for your help, Lia, it’s greatly appreciated,” he said.

“You’re welcome,” she said with a small smile and a curtsey. The group turned to head out, but not before Merle dug into his bag and pulled out some pamphlets, handing them over to her.

“Here. I dunno what the church situation is down here, but have some Pan-phlets. Praise Pan and his bounty, yadda yadda, read them over and share ‘em with your friends.”

“ _Merle!”_

“Yeah, I’m coming!”

Lia watched them head down the pathway, until they were out of sight, then looked down at the papers, puzzled.

“…who’s _Pan_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Banair is a character I played, and that's all I'll say about him for now.  
> Lia is a character my friend is currently playing, and she's an absolute gem. (she's much older in the game we're playing - she's just a nibblet here!)

**Author's Note:**

> This is an incredibly self indulgent story idea I've been messing around with, but I hope you'll enjoy it!


End file.
